My siblings’ dogs are probably very relaxed right now.

Given that they seem to have stolen my l-theanine.

Kankri is a creep with no redeeming qualities, and if you think otherwise you are wrong.

snarp:

Short form: Kankri, Cronus, and Scratch are the only characters in Homestuck it makes me actively fucking uncomfortable to read.

BECAUSE THEY’RE ALL COMPLETE CREEPS.

For the long form, let’s start with this quote:

HORUSS: 8=D < So true, friend. Your wisdom truly transcends your degenerate, mildly nauseating mutant b100d.

KANKRI: Thank y9u.

Yes. That’s a good place to start.

So, this is the deal with Kankri:

* He only has good relationships with other guys - he pops into Meenah’s conversations with Cronus, Horuss, and Rufioh of his own volition, to “defend” them, and Cronus and Horuss take this well. Rufioh takes it passively, because Rufioh takes everything passively, and also because he did not need defending.

Kankri does not do this with her conversations with the women, which means that he doesn’t start conversations with women sans player intervention - symbolically, he has to be given a push. When the player has him talk with women, he condescendingly scolds Porrim, is creepy and passive-aggressive at Latula, and sucks up to Meenah while simultaneously insulting her.

Karkat, meanwhile, has literally tried to make friends with every single person he’s ever met, and appears to have been closest to Terezi and Kanaya during their session. (He probably thought he was close to Gamzee, but he was incorrect in this regard.)

Anyone who thinks Karkat is a bigger jerk than Kankri deserves to be scolded by Kankri for a really long time.

I get SO OFFENDED on Karkat’s behalf when I see a fanfic/fanart where Kankri talks Karkat out of doing something bad. SO OFFENDED, Kankri.

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What that just was

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sqbr:

snarp:

thegeekgene:

There’s a trend of people who think my name is Sarah. These are people who’ve never met my sister and don’t know I have a sister named Sarah and have no reason to mix me up with anyone named Sarah but occasionally call me Sarah, anyway. As my parents have been calling by my sisters’ names all my life, I do actually respond to Sarah, sometimes? But I really don’t want to encourage this behavior. In high school, I lay a lengthy and melodramatic curse on my homeroom teacher for calling me Sarah. Maybe I should try that.

Didn’t you know he was a warlock? That’s why he made up one in every ten historical facts he provided in class - it’s part of the price of his powers. I’m sure he just bounced the curse back at you.

People have been consistently calling me Sarah my whole life too. I never realised they were confusing me with snarp. 

I am merely an avatar of the Sarah elemental force, a field of intense Sarah energy capable of altering names and others’ perception of them to suit its Sarah whims. Its influence is such that, in my sophomore year in high school, a full third of my class consisted of Sarahs.

thegeekgene:

There’s a trend of people who think my name is Sarah. These are people who’ve never met my sister and don’t know I have a sister named Sarah and have no reason to mix me up with anyone named Sarah but occasionally call me Sarah, anyway. As my parents have been calling by my sisters’ names all my life, I do actually respond to Sarah, sometimes? But I really don’t want to encourage this behavior. In high school, I lay a lengthy and melodramatic curse on my homeroom teacher for calling me Sarah. Maybe I should try that.

Didn’t you know he was a warlock? That’s why he made up one in every ten historical facts he provided in class - it’s part of the price of his powers. I’m sure he just bounced the curse back at you.

thegeekgene:

Snarp is visiting, this week, and in return for the love and affection we have shown her has brought into our home a VILE POISON. She is exposing my precious babies to FILTH. She is eating it RIGHT NOW. IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN.

I CAN SMELL IT.

FAREWELL WORLD.

She is referring to kimchi.

She invented a dish called “milked carrot,” made by grinding up carrots with the cheese grater and mixing them with milk. It was one of the most traumatic events of my childhood. She made this food item regularly for a number of years.

Her: Am I allowed to respond vocally to this, or?

Me: You must respond via the internet. I will not accept a vocal response.

Night-before-last’s dream: There is a world where, at about age eleven, you go to a certain magical place and are given some sort of passive magical power. Most people get something small and vaguely practical, like “you will always shelve books in correct LoC order” or “your baked goods will never fall.” (Based on this story I’ve had on my back burner for years.) Sometimes, though, the fairy responsible for this will decide to give someone a more significant power. A set of identical twin boys, raised apart, are almost-supernaturally ethical, cautious, and self-effacing. The fairy gives them this power: “people will always trust you and look to you for guidance.” This makes them both very uncomfortable.

The society they live in has many small, warring religions, each with their own small territory, but is loosely ruled over by a powerful and repressive evangelical-atheist organization, led by fantasyland!Richard Dawkins, who is an evil wizard. One of the boys, raised within this organization, grows up to become the head of an atheist inquisitorial court. The other, raised as part of a small vaguely-Shinto-esque sect which worships a sort of cute rodent-god that lives under a particular tree, becomes the sect’s leader.

The atheist dictators subtly encourage the constant wars between the smaller religions, to prevent any one from becoming powerful enough to challenge them. The Rodent Priest twin, who always wears a mouse mask, has become a threat to their plans by brokering peace between his people and many of their former enemies; they send the Inquisitor twin to deal with him.

Obviously this doesn’t go as planned. When the Inquisitor reports cheerfully back to his evil masters that the Rodent Priest is a great guy with no nefarious schemes, and hey! Turns out they’re brothers!, Richard Dawkins declares war on the Rodent Worshippers, and declares the Inquisitor a traitor.

In hopes of deflecting the Twitter douche wizard’s attention from the peaceful Rodent Worshippers and their allies, the twins flee towards the empty frozen northern lands. Though both of them have decreased mobility due to their debilitating rheumatoid arthritis, their flight actually goes quite smoothly and comfortably for them - due to their powers, everyone they meet wants to help them.

I woke up around the point at which they reached the tundra and immediately made friends with a family of Coatl dragons from Flight Rising. I think a dragon was going to end up eating Richard Dawkins over the objections of the pacifist twins, is where this was heading.

I watched part of a Five Nights At Freddy’s LP, then dreamed about it. But the dream turned into a space opera version of Anne Bishop’s Black Jewels series, without any of the canon dudes, but with the Discworld witches, Scully from X-Files, and some plot and setting elements imported from the Culture and Chris Moriarty’s Spin series.

There was a prequel story set several hundred years earlier, about the faster-than-light space travel revolution, which was produced by people listening to “frog music.” This is the music that can be found hidden inside some frog species’ genome, which has subtle but positive effects on the brain when listened to. The prequel story was in the form of a pixel JRPG called “Kerotopia,” and the protagonist was a working-class autistic teenaged girl who listened to one four-hour-and-some piece of frog music of the same title constantly, never removing her headphones, and immaculately conceived a green baby, who may have been either Jade Harley or Calliope.

In the space-faring future with Jaenelle Angelline in it for some reason, Saetan SaDiablo was replaced with the depressed clone of the brilliant scientist who first decoded frog music. The clone was a comparative religions professor who was constantly being asked to help people produce genius babies; Jaenelle was the first one he actually agreed to contribute to. Jaenelle’s mom was either Scully from X-Files, or a clone of Gillian Anderson who just happened to act exactly like Scully from X-Files.

Scully taught Jaenelle to fly a spaceship, and she went to the witch planet (Karres, I guess) to learn witchcraft from Granny Weatherwax, where she got badly burned in an incident related to the evil wizard responsible for Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, and also Granny Weatherwax’s poor aim with a flamethrower. She was healed by Santa Claus, an elemental force of good bound to the witch planet.

Around this point I woke up, probably because things were getting too silly.

snarp:

snarp:

I lost my shit and cleaned the kitchen very angrily and intensively this afternoon. Too angrily and intensively. I’m still very sore. I… bruised my armpit? How.

I did find and eliminate two sources of gnats, though. And both were Dad’s fault.

I also ordered Dad to hose out the trash can because it was full of bugs, but he was doing it wrong, so I took over.

I was still swearing at the kitchen when Mom got home. She remarked, “you seem pretty close to having a meltdown, baby.” I HAD MY MELTDOWN. MY MELTDOWN WAS CLEANING THE KITCHEN.

I’m at my sisters’ house now. I have also cleaned their kitchen.

blurds said: I am kind of enthralled by Snarp the tornado of kitchen fury

Getting mad that the kitchen is dirty is perfectly normal. It’s where food is prepared! It should not be dirty!

I told Dad that I was sending him away for “rehabilitation, like in A Clockwork Orange but for hygiene.”

snarp:

I lost my shit and cleaned the kitchen very angrily and intensively this afternoon. Too angrily and intensively. I’m still very sore. I… bruised my armpit? How.

I did find and eliminate two sources of gnats, though. And both were Dad’s fault.

I also ordered Dad to hose out the trash can because it was full of bugs, but he was doing it wrong, so I took over.

I was still swearing at the kitchen when Mom got home. She remarked, “you seem pretty close to having a meltdown, baby.” I HAD MY MELTDOWN. MY MELTDOWN WAS CLEANING THE KITCHEN.

I lost my shit and cleaned the kitchen very angrily and intensively this afternoon. Too angrily and intensively. I’m still very sore. I… bruised my armpit? How.

I did find and eliminate two sources of gnats, though. And both were Dad’s fault.

my parents are both fucking lawyers

so why, in the D&D chart of this house, are the anime major and the depressed dog the only ones on the “Lawful” axis

like can’t they at least wreck shit in an orderly and consistent manner so I know what to expect